Here's a big screw you to everything

 I don't know what I'm even doing here, but oh well here we go.

I got a job- that's it. That's all. It's time for things to change, for better or for worse. 

I don't feel up to elaborating but I don't think I'll use this blog anymore. 

It's over. It should be over, it's been over. There never was a "the end" but it's time to move forward. No more of this bullshit. 

Writing

 I've been practicing my story telling and I feel kinda proud of it. I haven't really tried in so long. 

Now if only I had an original bone in my body. Supposedly dreams are supposed to be a good muse but nope, I only dream of murdering and being murdered. Which felt really weird btw, even for a dream. Like holt shit I could so clearly feel my heart struggling and giving out and the blood pulsing from my wound right next to it. Weird ass dreams. 

Anyways writing is kinda hard but fun and satisfying. I kinda don't want to stop now even though it's probably not gonna be appreciated? Its slower than reading though so I don't blow through it so fast. Er, as fast. 

Anyways, my anxiety is as strong as ever but this is life now. I know know how much longer i can drag this out.

Clear

My thoughts are finally feeling clear for once and maybe just maybe the future doesn't look so bad. Just for today at least. I'm just going to try and hold onto this motivation for as long as my stupid head can get around it. 

Stagnant

It's been how long now. I've been in the same place for too long and it shows. I feel useless like this. I need to progress with something. Anything. I'm tiredof always waiting for things to get better. Hope is a stupid thing. Probably part of the reason I got stuck before. That and fear.

Thing is though I feel like if I wait or take things into my own hands these feelings won't change. I'll never change. I never did, I think. I'm still lying to myself. For how long. 

I think I've been lying for a long time. As a necessity. 

I don't know.

Change; what a joke. 

I still hate the sun

Wowee it's been over a year since my great disappearence from the place I grew up at. Funny how I got here. I'm in a completely different place. Despite all the bullshit going on I still have control. In the end I make the decisions. I was so angry, sad and afraid a year ago counting the days. 

But anyway fuck all that, I went outside for the one time it wasn't dark out or sunrise and I hated it. Its bright and hurts my eyes. I hate living where the sun and air is trying to kill me. I'm going to move out of state one day I swear. Because I know actually there won't be anything for me here anymore despite how that scares me because it's inevitable. 

Change is unavoidable and constantly around the corner.  I hope it's coming again soon. I mean seriously I want the rest of my optimism back haha.

Rip job

They're supposed to open in a week but I don't even have an email or schedule. I guess they don't want me haha can't blame them. So when are they going to fire me already.

Besides that I just hope I don't get cancer or consumed by self loathing. Yeahhhh I probably need a therapist. Fat lot of good that's going to do.

Guess whose self doubt and hate is trying to creep back in

Oh you know just remembering all the embarrassing and shitty things I've done. Most of all worried my job won't want me back when it opens back up cause it is supposed to open in less than 2weeks and my schedule is still empty haha

I mean I shouldn't worry about these things right I should be fine I can always get a new job and try and improve myself more and boost my own confidence while boosting others right. I mean that'll make me feel better if I help people I hope. 

Horrible daydreams

I keep imagining my aunt dying. Sometimes I say good bye but others I don't have the chance. I'm scared of being alone again. I'm scaredof losing my mom again. I'm scared of not being able to say goodbye again. 

I wish it wasn't so late or I would call just to say I love her at least

Dreams vs memories

Ive been thinking back. On the time(s) I was in a police car because I was bakeracted. I told myself I was baker acted and put in a policecar twice but now I realize I'm not sure if the second time even happened. I don't even remember how it happened the second time let alone any details. So now I can't even trust my "memories" because I mixed them up with dreams I might've have. It's so frustrating because it goes both ways too.

So I guess I was only baker acted once. This is what happens when you linger on the past, your imagination gets the best of you and its all you think of. Then you reimagine it until its part of you. Thank fuck I don't have schizophrenia 

Dangerous musings

I'm so fucking mad at myself right now. I mean how could I.

I had the audacity to just imagine how pathetic my... no Bastard is right now then of COURSE I think up the scenario of showing up at Bastard's door. I can imagine that house swallowing me and me never coming out. Ive already been over this with myself I'd rather fucking die than go back.

I have control now. I decide; and I decide that Bastard can rot for the years of anger and despair he inflicted while claiming to be the victim. I was just a child for fucks sake you can't blame a child for all that crap.

I still feel like an emotionally stunted teenager. Oh wait I am still a teenager...fuck. welp not for long I guess.

 In other newssss I am hopelessly eternally screwed. If this shit happens again I will not stand for it. Check in next week for my next existential crisis.

Heyyy

Now that I think about it do you think this whole running away thing and avoiding conflict is gonna bite me in the ass? I mean you think at some point I might face some sort of confrontation. Um idk what to think about that at all actually. I guess I'm not totally risk free if I'm still in state living with Bastards friend who pities him like some sick, depressed, misguided puppy.

Fuck she even told my aunt I was manipulating him and them. I don't care if she "didnt mean them" it's clearly a lie so after that yeah I can't trust her and I don't consider her much of a friend. So yeah there's a chance she leads me into some sort of ambush especially if she thinks I should talk to Bastard before he dies because she doesn't ever respect my opinions ever.

Fucking unforgivable the both of them. God I should move out and break ties again.

Edit: my posts have been frequent this month and I'm not sure I like what that might say of my mental state. I mean I think I only turn to this when I'm not doing so good and maybe this whole things really actually been taking its toll I don't know. I mean I can't really trust anyone with my thoughts so I just throw my words at this blog noone reads. I've never had a confident or close friend I could trust so...
Fuck me I guess. 

Alone at night again

But I feel like my tears are fake. What if I am fake. God I don't know if everything I am is a lie. How can I even wonder if i'm a terrible person if I can't believe i'm a person at all. Maybe i'm nothing but a husk. I feel like I just exist. I don't even have a purpose. No ambitions no connections. I would even call myself apathetic if I didn't feel so selfish and manipulative likeall I can ever do is take.
I would wonder why i'm not suicidal anymore if I wasn't wondering if thatwas a lie to myself too. Maybe my urge to please others is a facade fuck if I know what I really want
All i wanted was to get out and here I am.  Out

Parasites and Phantoms

Yeah its dream time boiii. It's been a few hours but heres the gist of the last dream I can remember. Some dudes I think I was working for or against forced a parasite into my body. I think through my foot. Dunno.

It was a small lump like a moving pill under my skin with a will to live obviously. For some reason I decided the only one who could removeit was some dude at a Walmart. I went outside and asked some strangers for a ride there since it would take too long on foot.

Some asshole said no before I even asked like I was gonna beg for money. Something happened and I got in trouble for snapping at him I think he attacked me? Anyway timeskip idk what happened after that.

Met the doctor dude. He scheduled the removal of  it so I waited. He was late. For some reason timing felt important, like the parasite would be too strong to remove if he's too late. So he arrives and I thought he was gonna take a scalpel out to remove it and I ask for pain killers.

Nope he takes out tweezers despite the fact the wound the thing entered in already somehow healed. We try and push the thing under my skin. After that draws another blank but the parasite was not happy. The doctor failed.

Don't know if the parasite killed him or something or he just forsaked me but I just live life with my sentient parasite, who I could now communicate with. Yeah.  I went about daily life waiting/hoping the thing wasn't gonna screw me over by growing bigger or something.

Anyway that was long... and weird. But besides stupid dreams you know how you can imagine voices you know so clearly you can almost hear them? Ive been "hearing" my dads voice screaming my name sometimes like I was in huge trouble. Usually when I hear my roommates background noise.

That man scared me. Idk why I'm thinking of this now. He's probably screwed by the pandemic if not dead and alone. So karma I guess. Today's great and newfound songs are The Quittin Kind, Curse of the Fold, Burn the Witch, and of course the album April Fools by Scary jokes. Shits good and catchy.


Um also sometimes my brain keeps trying to scare me. I'll see something behind me in the mirror in the hall at night or I think the clothes hanging in my closet or on my door look like a figure. I hate it when that happens. Good thing I finally fixed my schedule so I'm not up all night.

Ive been playing splatoon 2 and animal crossing again and ive been considering playing pokemon mystery dungeon again from scratch or buying the remake.

Dream where the world ended

With everythimg going on I guess it does seem like the world is ending. I had another crappy dream. The world ended. It was like an apocalypse. Everything ended. It was definitely on a bigger scale.

 My dad was involved before the end because of course even in my dreams about the world ending he is somehow involved. Not sure why but I was mad at him like always.

So yeah maybe I'll admit it might've beena stress dream but well who isnt stressed at this point.

Constant

So yeaaah I havent felt like posting any dumb dreams at all. Besides yknow the loose teeth falling out dreams I don't ever remember not having. I mean I don't feel stressed. Maybe I've always been in a constant state of overthinking and stress since forever? Idk but I hate the idea of my teeth falling out. I shouldn't remember the feeling of loose teeth but my dreams keep reminding me. Yeee
Ive mostly been listening to the magnus archives podcast and it feels like i'm reading kinda cause it still requires focus and all. Except you know libraries are closed so I can't break into any new books besides that one Stephen king book I haven't returned or started yet. Probably won't idk.
I'm not reading harry potter again though screw that. Ive finished playing pokemon and ac on switch and I've been listening to scary jokes and mother mother. I'm kinda tired though idk what I'm up to doing now

Pets

I'm thinking having pets was a mistake. I feel like I'll never be good enough. I wasnt good enough. I don't even know why I got a hamster, let alone a second one. I don't know anymore. Animals were always my dream but maybe I should just give up that dream.

Strange dreams

I should start recording strange dreams I keep having. They've become more frequent and they're interesting so I don't want to forget them. Even if some are disturbing and I don't believe it always reflects my feelings.

Anyway the most recent one was one where I was suffocating, where I got sharp pains with every breath. I woke up and I could swear I still felt them ever so slightly.

Then of course I had a dream I was arrested for breaking curfew/ quarantine even though my father kidnapped me. I still don't regret leaving him so forget that. I feel like that life was a far off nightmare.

Then I had a dream I got burned by lava climbing a barbed wire fence (?) With someone and I thought it was gonna be infected and I'd have to cut it off so they might as well kill me cause I wasnt going to die for good anyway? Yeah I can't completely remember why that made sense.

Then another dream I jumped over a fence on a hill then got caught in barbed wire. Ouch. Don't remember why though errr.

Today I might get more weird dreams though so let's hope they're interesting this time too yayy. I actually woke up once thinking my door was open cause someone entered my room??? So I think I might lock my door tonight so Im less likely to wake up scared.

Hamster is going to the vet

Same vet that put down the chameleon. Hopefully the outcome is different.
SSDD
I work tomorrow late. Hopefully it goes well. Tomorrow, the day after, the vet appointment. Sunday I have lunch with my old neighbor. I trust her I think but she hasn't responded to my contact until recently after all these months. After that vet. Rip my money. Yay.

Falling into uncertainty again

I've been feeling more depressed as the days have gone by without speaking to my roommate and only friend. Its been 4 days since she snapped at me saying I lied to her and she doesn't trust me after I bough a fucking fishtank. After she told me do what I want with my money.
Now I feel like everything I'm doing is pointless and I'm going nowhere. Fuck I bet everyone I try so hard to be friendly with at work secretly hate me for being obnoxious. Thats what I get for trying I guess. Maybe I really am a shit person.
I doubt this stupid part time job is going to last me since I'm never going to make it full time. I'll never qualify for anything else though. I feel like I've cornered myself. I never was good with focusing on important stuff. I'm not good at speaking or apologizing.
Fuck

The future is looking nice and all

But I feel like things will go wrong again. I keep feeling like a shit person and falling inti my old habits of self loathing. Things don't feel right or colorful like before and it just seems empty. It's been over a week and the more I forget the more I regret and hate myself. I keep looking at photos that I took of her and I hate how I failed despite doing everything right and Im scared I'll fail again of lose something important to me again, because nothing is really fair here.

So my chameleon died

I've only had her for 6 months. Got her surgery over a month ago that was supposed to save her life. After her stitches were removed her health declined. We only found out what was wrong at her second visit to the new vet (in a row) when it was already too late. They found the swollen area by her scar too late. So the surgery may have killed her. 2 weeks I refused to believe anything was terribly wrong, I thought I had 4 more years. So yeah I made the decision to put the sweet lizard down and they gave me her lifeless body. She wasn't a beautiful green anymore. No more googly eyes and grabby hands making her way to perch on my head.

Over 8 months of going nowhere but at least I'm somewhere

I'm only working part time for 11 dollars, no car or license, no school or insurance or healthcare. In general, I feel like I'm fucked in the long run. Right now I'm good, but it's unavoidable. I can't stay here forever and keep the people I love and rely on. Eventually I could get cancer, since it probably runs in the family. Crippling dept and chemo could always be on the horizon. Stability isn't constant. 

8 months of freedom, mostly being content. No more burdensom anger and grief. How long will this last? How long until I lose my pillars of support, my only family and friends? My grief and bitterness for my long dead mother may be gone finally (at least I think) but how long until it's replaced with something fresher. In the end I will be alone. Because I never really was good at making friends. 

At least I'm happy for now. No longer in that festering shit hole. I rode the bus past there a few days ago and did everything not to look at the street going to the neighborhood. Like it doesn't exist. Like it never did. Like I never did. Sometimes I feel like an empty space, just blending in the background. Am I really here? Am I really better? Maybe just the place changed. 

Memento of Anger

It's only been around half a year but the awful consuming feelings I felt in that place are already distant. Back when all I really felt in my bubble of isolation was seething, festering rage. I was angry at my situation, at my uncaring and oblivious torturer. I was frustrated with the way I had to live. I felt it was unfair, school was only a reminder of how kids had better and normal lives.

 I found school a place to blame my misery, along with the students and teachers there. Eventually I went from wanting to escape the prison I could call school to wanting to graduate already so I could just leave my home and never come back.

My hatred of him has turned to apathy. I certainly wouldn't care if he died,  as he so claims he is. I'm never turning back. Besides, he never tried to change and he certainly isn't going to now. Not that I would forgive him. I hope I never hear from him again.