I don't know if I actually know what I'm doing

I've packed my things away into a storage unit, just the first haul. I don't like how I'm feeling. It might be the horrible and stiff pain in my neck but I don't feel so good. Everything is a mess but the walls are blank and my room feels emptier than ever. I don't know if giving everything up was the right choice. I gave away the things I used to love. I gave away my hobbies. I fucking loved that pet fish even if he was just a fish. My room is quiet and echoey, no more sound of the wheel or the water flowing. 

Is this really the next step? Am I making the right choice? Is this how I want to achieve my goals? I have no idea where or how I'll be in a week, or even months from now. I thought the optimism and my outlook would keep me going and stop me from falling deeper but at this point I'm not sure anymore.

It hurts.

I am still angry. Angry at the people I called my friends. People I thought I could trust that turned on me within the bat of an eye. Hurting me multiple times and then calling me the horrible one. Telling me to leave as if I never lived here, as if I wasn't their friend. I was right when my paranoia told me they didn't care. 

I hate being right. 

I hate them. They're disgusting and selfish and they only care for themselves. I'm going to throw them under the bus like they did me. This is another crossroad I'm not sure I should take, but I've already made all these huge choices that changed everything since New Years. What's one more? I can be horrible like they always say. They can say I'm crazy all they want because things didn't go their way. 

They won't get away with it. I'm going to ruin them and they're going to be absolutely livid when they get a taste of their own medicine. This is the way things are now. You reap what you sow, they say. 

I'm still here.

 Has it really only been less than 5 months? It feels like forever. So much has happened. So much is still happening. To put it simply, I am going to live on my own. Completely. The way I'm going to do it isn't my wisest decision but I think I can do it. I'm going to do this.

Essentially I'll be living on the streets but in a car but I'll just think of it as camping. I really hope it doesn't grow old fast. I was going to find a bunch of ways to entertain myself. Maybe even start an old hobby again. Start therapy. Try and feel like myself again. 

Except I don't know if I've ever felt like "myself." Yeah that's another reason I'm going to therapy. Or rather probably a symptom haha. 

It's been really bad recently. My mind is always racing and anxious, there's always something I have to do, research to be made, plans to create intricately. I haven't slept or ate decently in probably a week. I don't know. These past... what, 4 days now? It just feels like way longer. Even though 2 of those days were my day off. But I did get a slight taste of what it's like not to have a home. 

I've been feeling sick to my stomach at the thought of going home. I feel better now, sure, but... I just don't think things will be the same again. I don't think I will ever be the same again. 

I lost something I thought I held a firm grasp on. Things went against my plans, turned completely upside. People I thought I knew and cared about. Let's just say we're not friends anymore. 

I don't know if this will be good for me. I feel like I don't have anyone, truly. This could be horrible for me. This could ease burdens I never knew I had. 

This could ruin me. 

But I can't say I don't want it. I feel like a part of me has always wanted it, in some shape or form. 

I'm planning every aspect of this but I still don't know what I'm doing. 

I've been thinking about people I left behind recently. The burned bridges. Sometimes I feel like a monster. Sometimes I feel like I don't exist. Sometimes it all feels wrong. None of this is real.

Sometimes the pain is all too clear, but other times it just doesn't cut through the horrid veil over my mind.

I feel like I have to do this. You know, it's kinda funny. I tried therapy once, when I was freshly graduated. She told me to go outside more. I guess I'm going to finally follow that direction. Who knows, maybe it'll help. Maybe I'll stop feeling like I'm not part of this world, like I don't belong with other people. But I've always been alone and on my own since I was a kid.

You know what they say, some things never change. People never change. 

I don't know if I believe that. I once thought it wasn't true because I was so desperate to be different. A better version of me. I'm supposed to be that better version. But I feel like even more of a fraud. God, when did this become so much about my feelings?

I'm moving next month, regardless.