Haha You fucking thought

 Here I thought I was feeling better than I remember why I relapsed in the first place

I keep fucking up. 

Now people who are close to me only seem to either treat me like trash and piss me off. I don't think I'll ever be good enough. 

It makes me think, why the hell have people acted like they ever cared about me? I don't understand. What's so likable about me anyway. 

In her words I "always do something wrong," and the reason it hurt so much was because she's right. 

God I feel so fucking lonely but at the same time I feel like I deserve this. 

Im scared to go back to the way things were again and I already feel part way there. Ive been avoiding the past but what if Bastard decides to come and make me face him? I ran away like a coward and never looked back since and never plan to.

But if he doesn't, and he dies, what then? I won't feel any remorse, I know this. I can avoid him and talking about him but really in the end I'll have to face my decision somehow. Face anyone who might give a damn about his death, or just there messenger. 

I won't be able to escape my own blood, but I know this is the better option. 

Why am I still fucking thinking about this? It should be over. It is over. Like it never existed. 

But I'm still here.

All good now

 Holy mother of moodswings just like that I'm better? Jsfc maybe I should get a therapist that was not okay.. 

Fucking

 It's only been 6 months. Fuck.

Why.

Why did I even come back here? Oh, that's right. I'm getting bad again. 

I feel like a fucking kid again, and that is not a good thing. 

And am I going to do anything about it that won't potentially harm me? (ha potentially. well its a bit late for that now isnt it.) Probably fucking not. 

Am I going to elaborate? Fuck no.

Wow I've been really angry with myself and literally everyone else recently and the self hatred is nearly at max capacity. Can't believe I decided to come back to this blog I don't even know why I wrote it. Or why it's public. Maybe its because I'm so desperate to share SOMETHING cause I won't and never have trusted anyone with my feelings and secrets. 

God this is so stupid. Maybe "fake it till you make it" will work better. Or maybe I just need to sleep it off but I doubt it since this hasn't happened in literal years. 

Once again I don't want to elaborate. I don't know why. I'm just so frustrated and sad and angry but it's not like I ever have an outlet. Maybe that was why I did it.

I get mad at others, I react, I get mad at myself, then what? Just, hate myself more? Get angry more? 

Withdraw from everyone just so I STOP?

It's hard to feel much now so I guess it's fine.