Here I thought I was feeling better than I remember why I relapsed in the first place
I keep fucking up.
Now people who are close to me only seem to either treat me like trash and piss me off. I don't think I'll ever be good enough.
It makes me think, why the hell have people acted like they ever cared about me? I don't understand. What's so likable about me anyway.
In her words I "always do something wrong," and the reason it hurt so much was because she's right.
God I feel so fucking lonely but at the same time I feel like I deserve this.
Im scared to go back to the way things were again and I already feel part way there. Ive been avoiding the past but what if Bastard decides to come and make me face him? I ran away like a coward and never looked back since and never plan to.
But if he doesn't, and he dies, what then? I won't feel any remorse, I know this. I can avoid him and talking about him but really in the end I'll have to face my decision somehow. Face anyone who might give a damn about his death, or just there messenger.
I won't be able to escape my own blood, but I know this is the better option.
Why am I still fucking thinking about this? It should be over. It is over. Like it never existed.
But I'm still here.
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