Actually wasn't expecting this

 So soon after the last post too. I finally, finally received the reports on all the child abuse cases from the department of children and families. I just wanted to use them as proof I came from an abusive environment (for financial aid purposes), but it turns out they're confidential. Yipee. Well I still have them, so.

Looking at them honestly made me sick. Having to read through all 4 reports (I only thought there were two, what the hell) was really... something. Did not like having to remember a bunch of that stuff and reading through comments on my mental state and habits. 

Also turns out there was a report of sexual abuse for when I was less than a year old. That was the first thing I saw when I opened the damn thing. Confusing, because is this the right document?? Horrifying, because I wasn't fucking raped, right? Hopefully not, cause I don't remember anything implying that, plus the case was closed. Nothing happened. 

I still feel horrible.

The second to last report, he never actually complied despite what they think. He claimed he was going to do something, but he didn't. It wasn't uncommon for him to make so many false promises. Up unto when I was 18, graduated Highschool. Finally moved out, turns out you can wait for someone to fulfill their promises for only so long.

So now I figure out how to override dependency. I can handle tuition without aid, but if I don't qualify as a resident... yeah, no, I can't afford that. 

I'm just going to put this all down and hopefully forget about it until the college and child services contacts me back on all this bullshit. I just wish that all the stuff I went through ended like I hoped it would when I moved out and cut contact. 

I guess it's only over when he'd dead.

Recall

I am planning on quitting my current job right now cause lets be honest it's shit for the pay I make. The biggest kicker is the power hungry bossy guy who just got promoted to shift leader, he hardly helps us with anything. He's like 40, worked there for 10 years, never got his license and never plans to. His dad drives him to work. Like jesus dude. 

But that's not important, I was thinking about my first job I got after escaping an abusive environment that was the root of my depression and confidence issues, and a big part of my everlasting anxiety.

So I luckily managed to land a job at a Subway. I'm saying it. I don't care. Fucking Subway. 

To start with my store only had one person open, two at lunch (three if the manager was there) and one to close. You would be expected to keep the lobby clean, do online and uber orders, serve the customers in line, and prep bread and sometimes veggies and meats. Oh not to mention dishes. Fun. 

Needless to say, often lines would go out the door, even at night alone. Online orders made it so you had to finish them first, not the customer walking in. This pisses them off. 

It was overwhelming. I often closed cause I guess I wasn't fast enough for everyone. They say coworkers make the job. Well they acted all nice and friendly but of course they brought me down with the claims of "trying to help" me. I got a new job I was excited for, put in a two weeks notice. They said I wasn't suited for it because apparently I was horrible... or whatever I forgot. 

What stands out most, one of them said "alright I'll list out the traits you don't have" then proceeded to say a whole bunch of good qualities. Uh yeah no. 

Anyways right now I just sent to a text to that guy who was luckily still in my contacts to tell him he's an asshole. I just- holy shit that job pissed me off I was just too much of a pushover to do anything about it.

So after all this, before I quit my manager claimed I didn't give him enough time to replace me. Hahaha too bad. 

After that, I would be working a few days straight at the new job and he would ask me to come in cause I guess he needed people. I couldn't if I wanted to. 

I'm ashamed to say less than a month after quitting I came to subway to give my manager a birthday gift, a stuffed animal I bought with my employee discount. I should have bought one for myself but instead I gave it to a guy who didn't respect me. He had told me he hired me cause he thought my anxiety at the interview was cute and it would be funny/amusing (?) to hire me??? 

I did not earn that job.

Come pandemic (4 months later) I am also ashamed to say I asked if he needed anyone over there, maybe even to cover shifts. Yeah that was also a hard no. Understandable I guess. 

Right now sure I have anxiety but my confidence is up, my weight is down, my depression is on the backburner just waiting for me to fuck up again so I can have a mental breakdown- But that's not important. Oh did I mention my customer service is great now? Fuck you Gio.

That's the end of that. On another note bottling things up isn't healthy but that isn't going to stop me from doing it. I've done it for this long dammit I can't stop now. Communication is hard.

I talked to someone I know about my mom and they said she loved me a lot. She's dead, if I never mentioned it. I was told my sperm donor made her depressed (like me) and that just gets me so angry. If I ever see him again I will punch him. 

I don't remember her. All I know is the catatonic dying person lying on the bed that never told me she loved me back. She loved me a lot and that hurts. I certainly can't imagine her loving me now but it's not too out there I guess. 

I've just always imagined things if it had been different. A mother's love.

But I feel fine right now so I guess that's enough.