Dreams vs memories

Ive been thinking back. On the time(s) I was in a police car because I was bakeracted. I told myself I was baker acted and put in a policecar twice but now I realize I'm not sure if the second time even happened. I don't even remember how it happened the second time let alone any details. So now I can't even trust my "memories" because I mixed them up with dreams I might've have. It's so frustrating because it goes both ways too.

So I guess I was only baker acted once. This is what happens when you linger on the past, your imagination gets the best of you and its all you think of. Then you reimagine it until its part of you. Thank fuck I don't have schizophrenia 

Dangerous musings

I'm so fucking mad at myself right now. I mean how could I.

I had the audacity to just imagine how pathetic my... no Bastard is right now then of COURSE I think up the scenario of showing up at Bastard's door. I can imagine that house swallowing me and me never coming out. Ive already been over this with myself I'd rather fucking die than go back.

I have control now. I decide; and I decide that Bastard can rot for the years of anger and despair he inflicted while claiming to be the victim. I was just a child for fucks sake you can't blame a child for all that crap.

I still feel like an emotionally stunted teenager. Oh wait I am still a teenager...fuck. welp not for long I guess.

 In other newssss I am hopelessly eternally screwed. If this shit happens again I will not stand for it. Check in next week for my next existential crisis.

Heyyy

Now that I think about it do you think this whole running away thing and avoiding conflict is gonna bite me in the ass? I mean you think at some point I might face some sort of confrontation. Um idk what to think about that at all actually. I guess I'm not totally risk free if I'm still in state living with Bastards friend who pities him like some sick, depressed, misguided puppy.

Fuck she even told my aunt I was manipulating him and them. I don't care if she "didnt mean them" it's clearly a lie so after that yeah I can't trust her and I don't consider her much of a friend. So yeah there's a chance she leads me into some sort of ambush especially if she thinks I should talk to Bastard before he dies because she doesn't ever respect my opinions ever.

Fucking unforgivable the both of them. God I should move out and break ties again.

Edit: my posts have been frequent this month and I'm not sure I like what that might say of my mental state. I mean I think I only turn to this when I'm not doing so good and maybe this whole things really actually been taking its toll I don't know. I mean I can't really trust anyone with my thoughts so I just throw my words at this blog noone reads. I've never had a confident or close friend I could trust so...
Fuck me I guess. 

Alone at night again

But I feel like my tears are fake. What if I am fake. God I don't know if everything I am is a lie. How can I even wonder if i'm a terrible person if I can't believe i'm a person at all. Maybe i'm nothing but a husk. I feel like I just exist. I don't even have a purpose. No ambitions no connections. I would even call myself apathetic if I didn't feel so selfish and manipulative likeall I can ever do is take.
I would wonder why i'm not suicidal anymore if I wasn't wondering if thatwas a lie to myself too. Maybe my urge to please others is a facade fuck if I know what I really want
All i wanted was to get out and here I am.  Out

Parasites and Phantoms

Yeah its dream time boiii. It's been a few hours but heres the gist of the last dream I can remember. Some dudes I think I was working for or against forced a parasite into my body. I think through my foot. Dunno.

It was a small lump like a moving pill under my skin with a will to live obviously. For some reason I decided the only one who could removeit was some dude at a Walmart. I went outside and asked some strangers for a ride there since it would take too long on foot.

Some asshole said no before I even asked like I was gonna beg for money. Something happened and I got in trouble for snapping at him I think he attacked me? Anyway timeskip idk what happened after that.

Met the doctor dude. He scheduled the removal of  it so I waited. He was late. For some reason timing felt important, like the parasite would be too strong to remove if he's too late. So he arrives and I thought he was gonna take a scalpel out to remove it and I ask for pain killers.

Nope he takes out tweezers despite the fact the wound the thing entered in already somehow healed. We try and push the thing under my skin. After that draws another blank but the parasite was not happy. The doctor failed.

Don't know if the parasite killed him or something or he just forsaked me but I just live life with my sentient parasite, who I could now communicate with. Yeah.  I went about daily life waiting/hoping the thing wasn't gonna screw me over by growing bigger or something.

Anyway that was long... and weird. But besides stupid dreams you know how you can imagine voices you know so clearly you can almost hear them? Ive been "hearing" my dads voice screaming my name sometimes like I was in huge trouble. Usually when I hear my roommates background noise.

That man scared me. Idk why I'm thinking of this now. He's probably screwed by the pandemic if not dead and alone. So karma I guess. Today's great and newfound songs are The Quittin Kind, Curse of the Fold, Burn the Witch, and of course the album April Fools by Scary jokes. Shits good and catchy.


Um also sometimes my brain keeps trying to scare me. I'll see something behind me in the mirror in the hall at night or I think the clothes hanging in my closet or on my door look like a figure. I hate it when that happens. Good thing I finally fixed my schedule so I'm not up all night.

Ive been playing splatoon 2 and animal crossing again and ive been considering playing pokemon mystery dungeon again from scratch or buying the remake.

Dream where the world ended

With everythimg going on I guess it does seem like the world is ending. I had another crappy dream. The world ended. It was like an apocalypse. Everything ended. It was definitely on a bigger scale.

 My dad was involved before the end because of course even in my dreams about the world ending he is somehow involved. Not sure why but I was mad at him like always.

So yeah maybe I'll admit it might've beena stress dream but well who isnt stressed at this point.

Constant

So yeaaah I havent felt like posting any dumb dreams at all. Besides yknow the loose teeth falling out dreams I don't ever remember not having. I mean I don't feel stressed. Maybe I've always been in a constant state of overthinking and stress since forever? Idk but I hate the idea of my teeth falling out. I shouldn't remember the feeling of loose teeth but my dreams keep reminding me. Yeee
Ive mostly been listening to the magnus archives podcast and it feels like i'm reading kinda cause it still requires focus and all. Except you know libraries are closed so I can't break into any new books besides that one Stephen king book I haven't returned or started yet. Probably won't idk.
I'm not reading harry potter again though screw that. Ive finished playing pokemon and ac on switch and I've been listening to scary jokes and mother mother. I'm kinda tired though idk what I'm up to doing now

Pets

I'm thinking having pets was a mistake. I feel like I'll never be good enough. I wasnt good enough. I don't even know why I got a hamster, let alone a second one. I don't know anymore. Animals were always my dream but maybe I should just give up that dream.

Strange dreams

I should start recording strange dreams I keep having. They've become more frequent and they're interesting so I don't want to forget them. Even if some are disturbing and I don't believe it always reflects my feelings.

Anyway the most recent one was one where I was suffocating, where I got sharp pains with every breath. I woke up and I could swear I still felt them ever so slightly.

Then of course I had a dream I was arrested for breaking curfew/ quarantine even though my father kidnapped me. I still don't regret leaving him so forget that. I feel like that life was a far off nightmare.

Then I had a dream I got burned by lava climbing a barbed wire fence (?) With someone and I thought it was gonna be infected and I'd have to cut it off so they might as well kill me cause I wasnt going to die for good anyway? Yeah I can't completely remember why that made sense.

Then another dream I jumped over a fence on a hill then got caught in barbed wire. Ouch. Don't remember why though errr.

Today I might get more weird dreams though so let's hope they're interesting this time too yayy. I actually woke up once thinking my door was open cause someone entered my room??? So I think I might lock my door tonight so Im less likely to wake up scared.