Okay

Why are you still reading this? There's nothing to see. Literally. Nothing is going on. There's nothing else to say. 

There is no story here. Everything is fine. 

Waiting

 Well I thought I needed to put this somewhere, and I don't want to beat around the bush by placing it in some vague story with some vague moral. 

I've spent a long time waiting. Being told that things would get better. Being told laters, maybes, eventuallys, hopefullys. There is a limit to how many promises one can make. Even to a child.

I've spent a long time being angry. Angry at others. Angry at my dad. Angry at myself. I was so, so angry. I was angry because I was jealous. I was angry because it wasn't fair. Nothing was fair. 

What happens when you're angry? Well, you either explode or you bottle it up. I bottled it up. It's the way I do things. I waited. I was angry. I was sad. But I waited. 

Not all bottles are airtight, however. So, what do you turn to when it becomes too much? 

I didn't explode. I imploded. 

I guess that's what happens when a child is told she always ruins everything. That the only person left to take care of them tells them they can't wait until they turn 18. Just another problem. So, I hated myself. I loathed myself. I loathed myself that instead of hurting others I hurt and neglected myself. It's only now that I'm still learning to take care of myself. Only now that I'm still fighting against the emotions that always pop up. 

I will always hate myself, in one form or another. It will vary, it will get the best of me. But I'm better.

I'm better, and will keep getting better, because I left. I was tired of promises. I was tired of being told to wait when it was already too late. The damage was done. My childhood was over. Everything I could ever hope for. 

I had enough of waiting. There comes a point when you have to say it's enough. When you have to take life into your own hands. Carve a path for yourself, wherever it leads. There's no way of telling. But at least you have control. At least your choices are your own. 

It was time to stop waiting for it to get better, when he himself never wanted to be better. When someone doesn't want help, don't stick around. They certainly won't help you. 

Don't keep waiting. Take life into your own hands, because it certainly won't wait for you. 

It's only fear holding you back.

 It still looms over me.

Some things are meant to be forgotten. Don't look back.

So, the world is going to end

 That's nice to think about. Death. Apocalypses. Future. Very nice. 

You know, I always hated that movie 2012. Now I think I know why. I guess the dread always just gets to me, like it always does.

 So I just won't think about it. Like I always do. 

Let's be honest, what's new? It's not like we aren't all going to die anyway. For all I know I can die in a car accident two days from now. I could be murdered. Cancer could kill me first. Why should I dread the apocalypse when I'm not even sure that's what's going to be my end? Really?

Actually wasn't expecting this

 So soon after the last post too. I finally, finally received the reports on all the child abuse cases from the department of children and families. I just wanted to use them as proof I came from an abusive environment (for financial aid purposes), but it turns out they're confidential. Yipee. Well I still have them, so.

Looking at them honestly made me sick. Having to read through all 4 reports (I only thought there were two, what the hell) was really... something. Did not like having to remember a bunch of that stuff and reading through comments on my mental state and habits. 

Also turns out there was a report of sexual abuse for when I was less than a year old. That was the first thing I saw when I opened the damn thing. Confusing, because is this the right document?? Horrifying, because I wasn't fucking raped, right? Hopefully not, cause I don't remember anything implying that, plus the case was closed. Nothing happened. 

I still feel horrible.

The second to last report, he never actually complied despite what they think. He claimed he was going to do something, but he didn't. It wasn't uncommon for him to make so many false promises. Up unto when I was 18, graduated Highschool. Finally moved out, turns out you can wait for someone to fulfill their promises for only so long.

So now I figure out how to override dependency. I can handle tuition without aid, but if I don't qualify as a resident... yeah, no, I can't afford that. 

I'm just going to put this all down and hopefully forget about it until the college and child services contacts me back on all this bullshit. I just wish that all the stuff I went through ended like I hoped it would when I moved out and cut contact. 

I guess it's only over when he'd dead.

Recall

I am planning on quitting my current job right now cause lets be honest it's shit for the pay I make. The biggest kicker is the power hungry bossy guy who just got promoted to shift leader, he hardly helps us with anything. He's like 40, worked there for 10 years, never got his license and never plans to. His dad drives him to work. Like jesus dude. 

But that's not important, I was thinking about my first job I got after escaping an abusive environment that was the root of my depression and confidence issues, and a big part of my everlasting anxiety.

So I luckily managed to land a job at a Subway. I'm saying it. I don't care. Fucking Subway. 

To start with my store only had one person open, two at lunch (three if the manager was there) and one to close. You would be expected to keep the lobby clean, do online and uber orders, serve the customers in line, and prep bread and sometimes veggies and meats. Oh not to mention dishes. Fun. 

Needless to say, often lines would go out the door, even at night alone. Online orders made it so you had to finish them first, not the customer walking in. This pisses them off. 

It was overwhelming. I often closed cause I guess I wasn't fast enough for everyone. They say coworkers make the job. Well they acted all nice and friendly but of course they brought me down with the claims of "trying to help" me. I got a new job I was excited for, put in a two weeks notice. They said I wasn't suited for it because apparently I was horrible... or whatever I forgot. 

What stands out most, one of them said "alright I'll list out the traits you don't have" then proceeded to say a whole bunch of good qualities. Uh yeah no. 

Anyways right now I just sent to a text to that guy who was luckily still in my contacts to tell him he's an asshole. I just- holy shit that job pissed me off I was just too much of a pushover to do anything about it.

So after all this, before I quit my manager claimed I didn't give him enough time to replace me. Hahaha too bad. 

After that, I would be working a few days straight at the new job and he would ask me to come in cause I guess he needed people. I couldn't if I wanted to. 

I'm ashamed to say less than a month after quitting I came to subway to give my manager a birthday gift, a stuffed animal I bought with my employee discount. I should have bought one for myself but instead I gave it to a guy who didn't respect me. He had told me he hired me cause he thought my anxiety at the interview was cute and it would be funny/amusing (?) to hire me??? 

I did not earn that job.

Come pandemic (4 months later) I am also ashamed to say I asked if he needed anyone over there, maybe even to cover shifts. Yeah that was also a hard no. Understandable I guess. 

Right now sure I have anxiety but my confidence is up, my weight is down, my depression is on the backburner just waiting for me to fuck up again so I can have a mental breakdown- But that's not important. Oh did I mention my customer service is great now? Fuck you Gio.

That's the end of that. On another note bottling things up isn't healthy but that isn't going to stop me from doing it. I've done it for this long dammit I can't stop now. Communication is hard.

I talked to someone I know about my mom and they said she loved me a lot. She's dead, if I never mentioned it. I was told my sperm donor made her depressed (like me) and that just gets me so angry. If I ever see him again I will punch him. 

I don't remember her. All I know is the catatonic dying person lying on the bed that never told me she loved me back. She loved me a lot and that hurts. I certainly can't imagine her loving me now but it's not too out there I guess. 

I've just always imagined things if it had been different. A mother's love.

But I feel fine right now so I guess that's enough. 

Haha You fucking thought

 Here I thought I was feeling better than I remember why I relapsed in the first place

I keep fucking up. 

Now people who are close to me only seem to either treat me like trash and piss me off. I don't think I'll ever be good enough. 

It makes me think, why the hell have people acted like they ever cared about me? I don't understand. What's so likable about me anyway. 

In her words I "always do something wrong," and the reason it hurt so much was because she's right. 

God I feel so fucking lonely but at the same time I feel like I deserve this. 

Im scared to go back to the way things were again and I already feel part way there. Ive been avoiding the past but what if Bastard decides to come and make me face him? I ran away like a coward and never looked back since and never plan to.

But if he doesn't, and he dies, what then? I won't feel any remorse, I know this. I can avoid him and talking about him but really in the end I'll have to face my decision somehow. Face anyone who might give a damn about his death, or just there messenger. 

I won't be able to escape my own blood, but I know this is the better option. 

Why am I still fucking thinking about this? It should be over. It is over. Like it never existed. 

But I'm still here.

All good now

 Holy mother of moodswings just like that I'm better? Jsfc maybe I should get a therapist that was not okay.. 

Fucking

 It's only been 6 months. Fuck.

Why.

Why did I even come back here? Oh, that's right. I'm getting bad again. 

I feel like a fucking kid again, and that is not a good thing. 

And am I going to do anything about it that won't potentially harm me? (ha potentially. well its a bit late for that now isnt it.) Probably fucking not. 

Am I going to elaborate? Fuck no.

Wow I've been really angry with myself and literally everyone else recently and the self hatred is nearly at max capacity. Can't believe I decided to come back to this blog I don't even know why I wrote it. Or why it's public. Maybe its because I'm so desperate to share SOMETHING cause I won't and never have trusted anyone with my feelings and secrets. 

God this is so stupid. Maybe "fake it till you make it" will work better. Or maybe I just need to sleep it off but I doubt it since this hasn't happened in literal years. 

Once again I don't want to elaborate. I don't know why. I'm just so frustrated and sad and angry but it's not like I ever have an outlet. Maybe that was why I did it.

I get mad at others, I react, I get mad at myself, then what? Just, hate myself more? Get angry more? 

Withdraw from everyone just so I STOP?

It's hard to feel much now so I guess it's fine.