Waiting

 Well I thought I needed to put this somewhere, and I don't want to beat around the bush by placing it in some vague story with some vague moral. 

I've spent a long time waiting. Being told that things would get better. Being told laters, maybes, eventuallys, hopefullys. There is a limit to how many promises one can make. Even to a child.

I've spent a long time being angry. Angry at others. Angry at my dad. Angry at myself. I was so, so angry. I was angry because I was jealous. I was angry because it wasn't fair. Nothing was fair. 

What happens when you're angry? Well, you either explode or you bottle it up. I bottled it up. It's the way I do things. I waited. I was angry. I was sad. But I waited. 

Not all bottles are airtight, however. So, what do you turn to when it becomes too much? 

I didn't explode. I imploded. 

I guess that's what happens when a child is told she always ruins everything. That the only person left to take care of them tells them they can't wait until they turn 18. Just another problem. So, I hated myself. I loathed myself. I loathed myself that instead of hurting others I hurt and neglected myself. It's only now that I'm still learning to take care of myself. Only now that I'm still fighting against the emotions that always pop up. 

I will always hate myself, in one form or another. It will vary, it will get the best of me. But I'm better.

I'm better, and will keep getting better, because I left. I was tired of promises. I was tired of being told to wait when it was already too late. The damage was done. My childhood was over. Everything I could ever hope for. 

I had enough of waiting. There comes a point when you have to say it's enough. When you have to take life into your own hands. Carve a path for yourself, wherever it leads. There's no way of telling. But at least you have control. At least your choices are your own. 

It was time to stop waiting for it to get better, when he himself never wanted to be better. When someone doesn't want help, don't stick around. They certainly won't help you. 

Don't keep waiting. Take life into your own hands, because it certainly won't wait for you. 

It's only fear holding you back.

 It still looms over me.

Some things are meant to be forgotten. Don't look back.