I'm still here.

 Has it really only been less than 5 months? It feels like forever. So much has happened. So much is still happening. To put it simply, I am going to live on my own. Completely. The way I'm going to do it isn't my wisest decision but I think I can do it. I'm going to do this.

Essentially I'll be living on the streets but in a car but I'll just think of it as camping. I really hope it doesn't grow old fast. I was going to find a bunch of ways to entertain myself. Maybe even start an old hobby again. Start therapy. Try and feel like myself again. 

Except I don't know if I've ever felt like "myself." Yeah that's another reason I'm going to therapy. Or rather probably a symptom haha. 

It's been really bad recently. My mind is always racing and anxious, there's always something I have to do, research to be made, plans to create intricately. I haven't slept or ate decently in probably a week. I don't know. These past... what, 4 days now? It just feels like way longer. Even though 2 of those days were my day off. But I did get a slight taste of what it's like not to have a home. 

I've been feeling sick to my stomach at the thought of going home. I feel better now, sure, but... I just don't think things will be the same again. I don't think I will ever be the same again. 

I lost something I thought I held a firm grasp on. Things went against my plans, turned completely upside. People I thought I knew and cared about. Let's just say we're not friends anymore. 

I don't know if this will be good for me. I feel like I don't have anyone, truly. This could be horrible for me. This could ease burdens I never knew I had. 

This could ruin me. 

But I can't say I don't want it. I feel like a part of me has always wanted it, in some shape or form. 

I'm planning every aspect of this but I still don't know what I'm doing. 

I've been thinking about people I left behind recently. The burned bridges. Sometimes I feel like a monster. Sometimes I feel like I don't exist. Sometimes it all feels wrong. None of this is real.

Sometimes the pain is all too clear, but other times it just doesn't cut through the horrid veil over my mind.

I feel like I have to do this. You know, it's kinda funny. I tried therapy once, when I was freshly graduated. She told me to go outside more. I guess I'm going to finally follow that direction. Who knows, maybe it'll help. Maybe I'll stop feeling like I'm not part of this world, like I don't belong with other people. But I've always been alone and on my own since I was a kid.

You know what they say, some things never change. People never change. 

I don't know if I believe that. I once thought it wasn't true because I was so desperate to be different. A better version of me. I'm supposed to be that better version. But I feel like even more of a fraud. God, when did this become so much about my feelings?

I'm moving next month, regardless.