I woke up in tears

I had a weird dream. I think I had a year or less to live. I don't know why and I don'tknow what happened. But I woke up just barely and my eyes were wet. Unless that was a dream too. I can't tell anymore. I feel like I haven't been dreaming for a few months now but this was different. 

I think I've slowly been losing it. The paranoia. The hopelessness. I feel like people are looking at me. Watching me. Like they know what I am. Like I don't belong anywhere. 

I'm scared they'll notice me. 

I'm scared of the cops. 

I'm tired of doing this. I don't know what the point of any of this really is.  I want myself back. I want to feel alive again. I don't want to be alone again. 

I'm scared  that this is for nothing

Do I deserve this? Am I such an awful person?

I hate this. 

Maybe it's not so strange I had the dream. I feel like my days are numbered. 

It's getting harder to ignore everything. Harder to be positive, to treat this like some stupid, Stupid fucking new experience or new journey or whatever the fuck. 

This isn't fun anymore. 

It was never fun. 

I want to be someone.